2002-10-22 - 5:58 a.m.

My Door is Open

I'm back! Did you miss me?

I've been home for a few days now. I just haven't had a chance to write about my weekend yet. I may do this slowly so you'll have to bear with me on this one.

Thursday, I decided there wasn't much going on here at home on my week off that I should take off out of town.

I had been talking to this woman online who lives where I was going so I told her I'd give her a call when I got into town and we'd go for coffee. So I typed her phone number in my cell and then gathered my stuff and took off.

I didn't take my car out out of town so I was on foot. I had talked to Veronica earlier in the day and she had said she was leaving that evening to on foot. So I wondered, if I'd bump into her, always a chance but I wasn't counting on it. Low and behold though. There she was.

She said it was a nice surprise. I thought it was too. We grabbed seats together and she closed her eyes and listened to her Mp3 player. I pulled out my book (still reading the first Harry Potter book). So there we sat, together, doing our own things but doing it together. A little later she woke up (we were travelling for 2 hours) and she asked me to read to her. Which, as slightly embarassing as it was, I did. Actually I don't mind reading aloud at all it sort of allows me to "act" with my voice which is something I really enjoy doing. Just not in public when people aren't expecting it. So I tried to keep it down. She probably enjoyed the lack of "volume" to my voice. I have some hearing damage so I can't always tell how loud I am talking. Anyway, She told me she really enjoyed listening to me read. That was interesting.

Anyway, We arrived into town and went our seperate ways. She warned me she wouldn't be introducing me to her exbf that she was coming to see and that was fine. I just talked her for a bit and then when we getting up to where he was meeting up with her. I told her to have a good time and walked my own way.

I made my way to a bus stop to because I hadn't made arrangements for anyone to pick me up. I dialed the woman's phone # in my cell phone and it rang. Then the message came on "The Number you have reached is not in service." Ut oh. I had mistyped one digit in her phone number but didn't find that out until I got back home.

I made a few calls to try and make some alternate plans for the night but no one was around. This meant I had no place to crash. So while I was travelling on the bus I made the decision I knew I had to make. I dialed my parents number and my mom answered. I told her I was on my way there as I was in town and my plans had fallen through for the night and needed a place to crash.

I got there and my mom took me out to the kitchen to discuss a family happening. Seems my cousin's boyfriend in Toronto had a stroke. (His second one) he's only 27 too. Anyway, after hearing all the details of that my mom looked at me and said "I want you to do me a favour... PLEASE be kind to your father."

I told her I would be perfectly civil to him. Her eyes welled up with tears and she told me he wasn't well and wasn't sure how much longer he was gonna be around but she couldn't get upset because she had to be strong. My poor mom. She's had to deal with death just way too many times. Her dad had a long battle with heart attacks and died when she was 32. (I was 2) Her mother died about 7-8 yrs, on her dads birthday of all days. Now, My dad has cancer. (I kind of new that). I believe it is/was skin cancer originally but my mom was saying he HAD gone to a specialist. (Which surprised me because my dad doesn't go to doctors often.) They wanted to remove his nose and one of his eyes. That to me spells disaster. My mom says she can see it in his eyes that he hasn't got long to go. I think I was prepared for it because, well, it didn't phase me. The contrast to my mom. I've had very little death to deal with in my life time. Each time it comes along, it's been very easy for me to understand that it's life and it happens and it's something you can't control so you deal with it the best you can. Not much use in getting upset about it.

Then my mom hit me with the bombshell that actually pissed me off. She told me that my dad had said to her he thought it might be a good idea if he went and visited me, on his own, at my place. I guess my mom, the manipulative over-protector that she is, thought we'd just get into a big rowe and nothing would be solved so she told him she didn't think it was a good idea. Fuck! Mom! That's what I wanted. I was tired of me always going to him. That's why I stopped talking to him to get get his fucking attention. But in true form of my dad. He took her advice. That's another issue with me. He always listened to my mom. He rarely did things contrary to her bidding/wishing when it came to us kids. That's where he really made his mistakes with me. That's my opinion. He let her protect me way more than he should of. So he never helped me out. He just berated me with how I'd never amount to anything and how useless I was at everything. I guess in some vain attempt to motivate me to better myself. What it did was give me a defeatist attitude and I've never been able to break it. THAT's why I hate my father. But I can't hate him because he's my dad. But I've talked about this before.

There was an upside my dad. in his extremely non-direct but fairly obvious ways, quizzed me on how much it cost to just head to my place via foot. So, who knows maybe he'll decide that time is short and worth coming to see me. I'd be glad to have him come here. My door is open.

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