2002-10-02 - 5:28 a.m.

Here I Sit

I can't sleep.

Although I did earlier. I got up about 3am and had something to eat. I then sat around and chatted for a bit. I went to bed but my mind wouldn't relax. I tried to just let my mind roll around a little. Do some writing that will probably never end up here, just me talking to myself. But I just couldn't so I got up. I took a couple tylenol and I decided it was early enough in the morning for me to take my celexa for the day. I also decided to make a cup of tea.

Here I sit. Trying to make some form of entry after being MIA for 6 days. There's not much to report in terms of my life.

I'm struggling.

It shows. I got the week I asked for off of work. October 13th-19th. I need this break. The only thing is I have to make it 12 more days before I can stop and recoup myself. I am burned out. In many ways too. Not just work because my whole life is sitting idle. I'm not doing anything and that's just wrong. What am I waiting for?

I want so many, maybe too many, things. But they all seem to be outward things not inward things. I need ways to feel good about myself. But right now I don't. Not that I am feeling depressed. I'm just frustrated. I don't see where the next step is. I think that's been my problem for a long time. I can't ask anyone else where it is because I need to find it myself.

If I could, I'd stop everything right now. I think that's why I like to be a night owl. It is sort of like the whole world (at least the world around me) stops. It's when everything seems manageable. But really it's not. It's all the same it's just night time and the world is still chugging along.

I really haven't much to say at the moment all though I could write about many things if I would apply myself or just let it all flow out. It's coming just slowly because I think about it. There things and issues I need to deal with. There are things that I need to write about only because then I can have peace with them by acknowledging them and not being prisioner to them.

Is it possible to be too smart to see your own way? Or am I just deceiving myself? It's an interesting thought.

I should babble more often about nothing. Who knows what might come out of my head. I've nothing really to write so I think I'll end it here.

I work again today so I'd like to take a short nap in here somewhere before I have to get up and go to work.

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The Last Five Bingo Games

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