2002-05-16 - 7:08 p.m.

Demons

If there's one thing I know, I have many demons I need to face and conquer. They are hideous and grotesque and, quite frankly, they scare the hell out of me. Mostly because I've allowed them to live with me for so long making them more difficult to overcome. Sometimnes they are a comfort to me showing just how long they've been there. However sad that may sound, it's true. We have our demons because in one way or another they are our friend in some twisted logic. They convince us of it and make us foolishly beleive they are helping us but what they are really doing is driving us down and destroying us.

My demons are laziness, procrastination, apathy, guilt, regret, fantasy, and self-loathing. This is at least what I can see on the surface. They live in my life and wreak havoc with it on a daily basis. They have a firm grip upon my body and definitely will not go without a fight. It's a terrible battle for me. If I try and attack one I am sometimes, and often, overcome by another. Trying to attack them all is beyond my strengths alone. But I keep attempting to move forward. Rather slowly most of the time and sometimes I lose ground but I do keep trying even if sometimes it might not look like it.

Nobody knows my demons better than I do. Some of these demons came up on me acting originally as shields to heartaches, pains, and disappointments in my youth. Allowing to then take root, twist and changed themselves into the beasts they are today. I can still sometimes use them as defenses to things I can not handle but more often than not it's just procrastination telling me it's okay not to deal with these things that are hurting me since they are hurting me too and to deal with that would mean to deal with them. Something they don't want. But I have to want that. I have to want it with all my being. I have to shake loose. I have to press on. I have to because if I wish to live I have to free myself from those things that choke me and make weak.

The road is long, the journey difficult. But I know I must take it. I may not know where I am going to start off but it can't be any emptier than where I've been.

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