2002-07-29 - 4:36 a.m.

The Blind Guy Said I Had No Brain Colored Hair

Words To Live By #499253-a : Dance with the one who brung ya.

I was on my way to work on Saturday morning. It was going to be a busy day. I had to work the day shift at bingo and then rush off out of town to DJ a wedding. So far out of town that I wasn't going to be able to make it back until the next morning and I had to work bingo again the morning.

I was getting ready for work and trying to gather up stuff for an overnight trip. While I was in the shower the owner of the DJ business phoned me. I was going to spin by there anyway because I wanted to drop some stuff off because they were going to set up the gig for me while I was at work so I just had to go there and do it and I'd bring the gear back the next day.

So I loaded all my crap into my car and started driving and I decided to call the owner directly instead of listening to the voice mail. It turns out that she had decided to give one our other DJ's another chance and send him out of town on this gig. (Which actually was my suggestion way earlier in the week and she'd done that just never gotten back to me.) She was all apoligetic but I didn't care really. It took a lot of pressure of me. I've begun to dread doing all day work. It just makes me feel exhausted before I even do it. I feel I am losing my grip on it all too so I think it was probably the best decision and I think it should have given the other DJ a "wake up" call.

The long and short of it is I didn't have to go out of town. This meant I could attend the get together of a bunch of online friends at a local bar. One of which, Sally, is moving away to live with her boyfriend and we just wanted to go out and do something one last time before we only see each other when she visits here. Having moved from where she's going I know, after awhile, how infrequent that really becomes.

When I got home I found out that one of the women I've been talking to, that lives 2 hours away, was going to make her way to this get together and wanted to know if she could use my place as a place to crash. I was like "Uh, YEAH!". I've been wanting to meet up with her for about two months now. This just made the night even better and so happy I wasn't out of town working.

I arrived alone. This city was a madhouse this weekend and it was almost difficult to find somewhere to park but I manage to find something not too half bad. I had to walk on slowly healing foot but I was planning on dancing so I'd better be able to handle the walk.

I made my way inside and met up with the "crew". Most of them are younger than me and were all ready on their waying to being fairly intoxicated and it was just after 10pm. Ah, Youth is wasted on the young. I decided I could probably risk a drink since I was planning on dancing. So I ordered a drink and started to bullshit with everyone. Little did I know my night was about to have dynamics to it.

Sally was there and very happy to see me. Shortly after that my friend, let's call her Jasmine, arrived. To Say Jasmine was the best looking female of the group would be a HUGE under statement. Just everyone paled in comparison to her and she's got a brain in her head. Just utterly amazing. Note my self confidence was on a high but teetering on a precipice.

I am not sure what song it was but it got just about everyone from the table up to dance. I found myself wandering on to the dancefloor with a primarily female crowd of online friends. Having met the majority of them before I started to do my male stripper type dancing. Which for some reason was met with great approval. They circled me and I made my rounds going around the cirlce and dirty dancing with each of the women. Probably, one of my biggest mistakes was being reserved on Jasmine. I was already showing signs of a shaking confindence. I didn't want to offend her. Strangely, I didn't care if I offended the other women with my gyrating hips and sexy moves. (I'm laughing). But it's true I didn't. For some reason I didn't want to hurt anything that could be but I realize now this could have been looked upon as dissing her in some way. But the highlight of that dance was wiggling my butt for the ladies and having them all slap my ass. (This is a really bad joke come reality from the chat room. Life sucks but someone had to do it.)

The problem it seems with these Chat people is they always pick WAY to small of tables. There had to have been about 9 of us minimum and we were all seated at a table for about 5 or less. Since it turned into such a busy night we never did get the chance to spread out to better locale. Anyway, Let's talk about the table dancing shall we?

Now, by table dancing I don't mean anyone was dancing on the table. I just mean it was musical chairs all night which isn't so bad in the fact you get to bullshit with just about everyone. I'm not terribly great at small talk. I've always been a people watcher but I was trying to fend my own by just being social. The problem I was facing was trying to small talk Jasmine. I didn't know where to start. My other problem was Sally. She didn't realize it but she was always asking me to sit down at a point that put her between Jasmine and I or at least in a position, in a loud bar, that made it impossible to talk to Jasmine. Which then could be construde as me avoiding this person that came 2 hours drive to meet me. (Or am I just over analyzing?)

Sally did admit to me at some point in the evening that my excitement to meet Jasmine for the first time had really made her jealous. I began to wonder if she was subconciously keeping me away from Jasmine. She definitely wouldn't have done it intentionally. She just wanted my attention because she was moving away. I understand but I've got to meet people too.

That was a dynamic I was fighting with. Trying as hard as I could to be polite to Sally by sitting with her and talking with her but also trying to position myself so that I could somehow talk to Jasmine and get some sort of repore going.

Enter dynamic number 2. Strangely yet, another woman. Let's call this woman Tina. I hadn't met Tina until tonight when she got introduced to me with her Chat name. Anyway, It seems she decided she really fancied me even though she has a boyfriend who was not in attendance. Her actions that evening made me feel sorry for her boyfriend. To say she's a huge flirt would be a major understating.

Dancing. I absolutely love to dance and usually when I am in a bar I never have anyone that wants to dance with me. I did a lot of group dancing this night. But I went out on the floor with Jasmine and some others and we were dancing to some song when Tina comes along with her friend and drags me away from the group to go dance up on the little step stage they have in this place. I didn't really think anything about it at the time and I was just having fun and trying to groove with everyone in the group. But I felt like I was losing a battle to be with who I wanted to be with without offending anyone.

Now, I admit, I found Tina to be phyiscally attractive too. So, I'm sure the mutual attraction there was probably obvious to everyone in the room including the blind guy in the corner guessing people's hair color for $50 bux a pop. (Ok there wasn't a blind guy but you get my drift.)

I also noticed something everytime a good song came and Tina jumped up to dance she didn't just jump up with her female friend she always made a point of dragging me on to the dance floor. This often limited my chances to dance with Jasmine or talk to Jasmine.

On an upside, I did manage to talk to Jasmine and we did connect on some level of intellect which to me is so much more important.

I should mention Jasmine asked me early on how big my couch was. I said really long and she was all thumbs up to that. Then shortly there after let me know she wasn't planning on staying. Which is probably why I realized I was losing a battle to hit it off with her. Then Sally and Tina were NOT helping me in the slightest and my inability to make decisions reared it's ugly head once again. I want my cake and eat it too obviously and I'm never quite willing to make the choices I really want. But I can't say I don't make choices at all. My fence sitting is a choice and ultimately I cannot be surprised that Jasmine wasn't interested in me.

Somewhere around 12:30 everyone disappeared. A couple girls were quite drunk and their respective friends had wisked them away and that began the exodus. More bad decisions coming my way in a moment.

Sally left with a group of people and never really said goodbye. This is not a first but she was getting quite tipsy so she would be following the lead of the rest of her group of friend and that's good because they would keep her safe. which is awesome in this group of people they do tend to look out for one another. This left me with Jasmine, Tina and Tina's Friend. Jasmine asked me to walk her to her car. Tina was begging me to come back and help her get to another person's place because there was a "Karaoke" after party. (Oh weee. NOT! Sorry, Weets.)

I walked Jasmine to her car and we had a nice little chat and I started analyziing everything out of my mouth and too her. Just bad. The fact I was about to walk back into the bar and go hang out with a girl that had basically been rubbing herself against me on the dancefloor all night long was probably not good either.

I really had hoped she would stay overnight just so I could get away from everyone and the loud noise and just talk. I know that if I had that opportunity we'd really hit it off. But this was not to be and my actions were not that of someone interested in her. So, I'm solely to blame if she keeps me at an arms length in the future. Especially since she just came out of marriage where her hubby was cheating on her. Trust issues. I should know this better than anyone. I probably not the right guy for her, knowing my own sordid personal history.

I just can't win. The girls I really want or would be good for me are never interested in me or I just fail in some way to attract them. My other problem is my own damn penis. If it starts doing my thinking I am in deep trouble. This proven by the fact when I say I have a sordid personal history I am not exaggerating. I've been a dog in the past. I hope that I can at some point break that pattern. It definitely comes with building my own self confidence, self-esteem and losing this feeling of lonleyness.

It's times like this that I am pathetic to myself. It's times like this I realize that the medication I'm on is actually working because otherwise I would be depressed. At least I can write all this stuff out and honestly say I'm not depressed I'm just disappointed with myself.

I have an idea. You can think I am insane but I'm going to use Darlene to my advantage. Yes, I know I like her a lot too but I am going to start talking openly to her about the women I'm interested in. She's always telling me about the men in her life. I'm going turn the tables now and start telling her about the women in mine. It's only fitting. She uses me as a sounding board as a male opinon. I need to start using her as a sounding board as a female opinion. I think there's nothing there to hurt by doing that. I'll have to run a coffee 'date' past her sometime and start the ball a rolling.

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