2002-07-21 - 9:45 a.m.

Entry 100.

I've got so much to write about and so little time.

I can't believe at all that I've made 100 entries in this. Of course, I've talked about a whole lot of nothing which I suppose makes it a lot easier to keep counting numbers upward. What's happened since those 100 entries. Well, I started this diary because I was trying to sort out my head. I was soul searching. I didnt like me or what I was doing in life. Has that changed so far? Well, Like pushing a huge boulder I've managed to budge it a bit. Things have changed. A lot of them for the better. I'm not so hard on myself. I've also lowered my own expectations on myself so that I can reach those easier. This doesn't mean I won't again one day raise the bar. But for now, I need to feel good about who I am and where I am right now. Should I strive to press on and go higher, Hell ya. But I have to feel like I am climbing out of the pit. The Pit. My prison. Depression reigned there. But I went to the doctor and he prescribed a anti-depressant. I think it's working. A lot of it just was a placebo effect. Taking the weight off my own shoulder. Giving myself a break. Being able to breathe again. This all will allow me to grow. But first I've had to do some pruning of sorts. I don't talk to my dad anymore. He's older and this is probably not the wisest course of action. But the damage that's been done in my head and to my own well being has been done. He could have been so much more to me and I love the man to death. But he hurt me worse than anyone on the planet could have. He doesn't accept me for who I am. I'm never good enough. My acomplishments in life mean nothing. How can one achieve great things if one cannot achieve the less great things first? Dad you're my hero you're also my worst arch-villian. (Other than myself.) Trust. I'm starting to give it out to people. Slowly. Releasing my grasp on it. Allowing myself to be hurt by others. To learn what being a friend is all about. The levels of love I just never understood. Love. I've gone from getting the boot by my last girlfriend for not being faithful to just enjoy women's company and not trying to persue anyone in particular. Allowing myself to have crushes. Exploring it all. Just trying to have friends that I like and all. I am sure none of it is black and white but then is it ever? That's where I am so far. Still a Bingo Caller. Still travelling down this road. Searching inside me for my happiness. Stay Tuned...

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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