2002-08-06 - 5:31 a.m.

Going Too Far

I should be in bed. Hey what's new?!

Ok, Let's back up the train a day from my last entry. Let's go back to Friday. (Insert Wavey Fuzzy Lines On Diary)

I got an Instant Message from one of my online friends that I *had* to make an appearance at their birthday party. I then went to work that morning. I was bagged all day and happy to get home and sleep. I woke up near 9:30 and got ready to go so I could be down at the bar for said onliner's birthday celebatory drunkeness. Actually, It was pretty tame. The bar wasn't very busy but then again it was only 10pm. At least they had seats. But like typical Onliners they hadn't grab a big enough table. Why does this happen everytime. I guess they don't want to have illusions of grandeur after inviting 15 people to place so they sit at a table for 6 or less. What's WITH that?

Anyway, I digress. The bar was slow and the DJ was just starting to turn the music up. A couple got on the dance floor and was dancing. The lady was nice looking probably a bit older than I am and her dancing partner was about the same. What made me notice this couple was not the fact they were the only two people on the dance floor but it was the male dancers complete inablity to stay insync with the music. I wasn't the only one who noticed there were a number of whispered "oh my god LOOK!" from the table of people I was with. Initially I thought to myself "Now, THIS is why black people think White people cannot dance." Then being the performer type idiot/clown that I can be. When we got out on the dance floor a little later. I started to mimic the guys moves. Now, in my defence, I wasn't doing it a lot just once in awhile and usually towards specfic people. I like to make people laugh. I was also attempting to make sure they (the couple) were not looking at me at the times I did this. Because I wasn't really doing this to hurt anyone's feelings or make fun of the guy specifically just his movements. I also had the thought "Either he's really drunk or he's not all there."

I didn't think much of it after that but I did notice they had left by probably 11:30ish. I didn't see them leave but they weren't at their table anymore or anywhere in the bar. I thought about it the next day and it donned on me (sometimes I'm slow) the guy probably had some form of muscle disease or such and was doing the best he could and just trying to have a night out of fun with his friend. What he didn't need was a bunch of insensative fucks (I.E. Bingoguy) to make fun of his situation. I did mention this to Tina while we were talking on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. I feel like an ass. I can't take my actions back. I hope he never saw me, but he probably did. It hit me like a bolt of the lightning that was all over the place Sunday Morning. How could I, who grew up being hated and teased by people, be so insensative and so ignorant when I know exactly how hurting and damaging being tease and made fun of feels like. Did it make me feel better, bigger, more popular? I sure hope not and if it did I sure don't feel it now.

I crossed the line of decency in getting people to laugh. I am ashamed of myself. I know better than that.

***

My favourites list is thinning out. I keep having Diaryland Casualties. I don't know how I manage to pick them or is it something that happens here every day and I just am seeing in a small window of perspective. I lost 2 people's diaries in the last 2 to 3 days. The Fool stopped his diary because someone he knows read his entries and they were hurt by the information there. The Monitor switched off because her now ex-boyfiend denied he was reading her diary but then admitted after dumping her that he'd been reading it for quite sometime and thought she was fucked up because of it. Which lead her to believe she couldn't go on writing the diary.

It makes me ill. I know I write personal stuff here about the people in my life and how I feel about things. I know there are people who know me somewhat who read this and there may be a chance that someone very close to me reads this. If there's something that bothers you that I write here then don't come here, don't read it. It's a pretty simple process of self-censoring.

This is my place to blow off steam and sort my mind out. Everyone should be allowed to do that. It's like some support group for new era. We all want to write things out and we do it for different reason and we allow people to read it. I know that having been able to explore others lives with their writing I've been able to open up explore my own life this way. Something I don't think I was sure I could do when I started this.

Do I have a point? I don't know. I guess I am just selfish and want to keep reading about these people's lives.

Maybe someone should start a diary called Obitutaries.Diaryland.com and then people could list dead diaries and write an Obit for them or even the writer themselves could do it.

I have strange thoughts.

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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