2002-02-13 - 1:10 a.m.

I Think, really I do.

Mood : None (haha)

Music of the Moment : Black Crowes "Lay It All on Me"

Well, My friend I mentioned last entry gave me a bit of critique to my diary. She said I tend to say what I've been doing and not what I think.

To this, I pointed out that I had, in fact, mentioned in my entries that I am not to concerned about this. I say I don't really care what other say about the things I do, this included. Although, that's not entirely true. I am interested in what others have to say but ultimately I have to do things on my own. That's the only way they can be truly beneficial to me.

But she did make a valid point. I haven't really let the thoughts in my head out too much. Perhaps, I'm scared of what I am actually thinking. My mind is the type of mind that should have come installed with a "STOP" button. No such luck there. I think that's one of the reason I like music so much. It makes me concentrate on something that isn't quite my own thoughts. Although my thoughts and moods do influence what music I am listening to.

But I don't judge my mind too fiercely. I know that this whole journal thing will take time to come to it's fruition. It takes time to open up to people. It takes even longer to honestly open up to ones ownself. This is journey I'm on. I never know when things will well up enough for me to decide to address them.

There's so many things, sometimes too many things. I have fear. I have anger. I have mistrust. I think, somedays, I'm truely one step away from being off my rocker. Other days, I can't believe I thought that the day before. If I trusted my own abilities maybe I could go farther.

Okay, I'm going to write this now instead of wait to make a whole entry about it. (Which is what I had originally thought about doing.) I'm afraid, so damn afraid, to fail. I think this is partly why I procrastinate. When I was a teenager and going through those awkward years, my father told me constantly that I was useless and would never amount to anything. How cruel is that?! I think one of the reason I'm so afraid to fail is because then my dad would be right. God, This is a source of so much pain deep inside me. The problem is the whole thing is so deep in me that I can barely figure out where it comes from. Does that make sense to you? It does to me. I need to take a moment here. "FUCK YOU, DAD!" . Okay, Thanx.

My logical mind says my father did this to in some way piss me off and make me prove him wrong. Little did he know I just didn't trust myself or feel that strongly about myself that I could. All he's actually done is make me hate him. He hurt me beyond what I can even describe, explain or even sometimes fathom. I needed a father. y'know someone who believe you really could do anything. Someone to pick me up when I fell. I don't think I ever had that. It's just not my dad's way. Too bad.

This is a huge ball of wax. It's a tangled ball of string that may take me years to undo. Sometimes I can tell where the best place to begin is. Although I have sort of begun. I got mad at my dad back in November and I haven't spoken to him since. This, may have been the wrong thing to do but I had to do something. I had to let him know that he hurt me. I am not sure I managed that. I am gonna lose him forever some day and that's sad. But I am not sure I ever really had him. So, what is there to lose?

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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