2002-05-24 - 12:44 a.m.

Lost and Lonely

Love. It's a strange concept isn't it? I am not sure at this point in my life I even really quite understand the concept. It almost, at times, feels like a completely foreign idea.

I've had only a couple of "serious" relationships in my 32 year tenure on the planet thus far. The majority of relationships I've had have lasted under 6 months and I've endured long periods where I was completely single. I've had more sex partners than I actually care to admit to now. That could be a complete entry all on it's own.

I can't, at this point, see any clear event that calloused my heart so badly that I could go from one "relationship" to the next being totally unfeeling. But definitely I must been jaded somewhere along the line.

One of the things that's been pointed out to me in the past, more than once I might add, is that I can be incredibly sweet at one point and incredibly cruel and unkind the next. Is this a sign of selfishness? Is that a rhetorical question? Hmm. Whatever the case may be more than one person has noticed it on more than one occasion so it's something I am pretty sure I should take note of.

I understand that Love is not one particular thing but a number of things put together. Although, I'm not sure I know this in myself. The gap between understanding and knowing is as infinite as space, I think.

Love begins with accepting the good and the bad doesn't it? Knowing someone isn't perfect but caring for that person despite their shortcomings.

It's somewhere about here that I get lost. Lost because I don't know what Love is. Not that I haven't seen glimpses of what it may be but have never had a real good look at it. It's like chasing the wind. You can feel it going by you but you can't hold on to it. It's also like searching for something but having no idea what it looks, tastes, smell, feels or sounds like. Imagine if you will, looking for a rattle blindfolded in a pit of rattlesnakes. You might get lucky but chances are you're gonna get something you really don't want. I've picked up my fair share of rattlesnakes. That's not to say I've always made bad choices. Although, I've also done that.

Speaking of bad choices, Let's talk about my parents. My parents are good people, they really are. They just didn't do a very good job with me. Granted, I was their last child and they were both in their 30's by the time they had me. I pretty much feel like "Whew, We had a boy, okay we can stop now." Also, I don't know what my parents relationship was like before I was born, obviously, but I do know what it was like after. They are two people who are long time friends but I just don't think they love each other the way two people are suppose to who are in a relationship. My mom has known my dad since she was 14 or 15 making my dad about 19 or 20. My mom has told me she married my dad out of secuirty cause for the times my dad made good money. They had a lot of mutual friends. So even had they not been a couple chances are they'd still know each other now (I am guessing this since they still seem to know and stay in some contact with old friends from the "neighbourhood".) Which brings me back to the point that they are good friends who happen to live in the same house. My dad sleeps on the couch and my mom sleeps in "their" bedroom. I can't remember when it started but I can tell you that's the way it is now to this day. At one point, sometime in the past, I really just wished they divorced or gone their seperate ways. Why live with someone you don't love? My mom once told Lisa (my major ex, I'll change this if I got her pseudonym wrong) that she couldn't imagine getting up and my dad not being there. He drives her bonkers and has an ugly side most days but she was used to him being across the kitchen table. And not that he didn't do sweet things for her. He would make her lunch for work for her in the middle of the night. He was also the cook he made dinner almost every night and he had it on the table or heading for it when she walked in the door every night at 5pm. I think she also stayed with him out of pity thinking he wouldn't know what to do without her. Which is why I hope for my dad's sake, he goes before my mom because my mom is onto something there.

You read that and you think Bingoguy, that's a fairly decent example of two people caring for one another. But to me, it's bittersweet. I dunno. I can point out the good things but there's a whole lot of bad in their too. That at this moment I'm not getting into. There's also knowing that I don't think they're honestly happy. It's sad.

Let's look at my relationships. Or as the case may be, the lack thereof. I can honestly say right now I don't have any close relationships with anyone. I've pushed just about everyone away. Not forcefully, I just drifted away from them. I have little to no contact with my immediate family unless it's required. My best friend Bart (who's wife just left him.) who I've talked to about twice in the recent past yet still haven't gotten over to see. My other best friend Peter who I have no idea where he is although I know he was moving up to squamish to take a mountineering course to become a guide. No contact with any of the mutual aquaintances that Bart, Peter and I share. Lisa and I haven't spoken since she first got pregnant with her first child (I believe I heard she had TWO kids) from her boyfriend that was quick on the heels of our breakup. Veronica and I talk now and again but I need to keep her at an arms length for the good of both us not because I don't want her around. I've made very few friends since I moved to the island. Most of them are work related and are more aquaintances than friends. There's the Ryder's that I work for. I have sporatitic contact with them. There's Kris and another person named Peter that I know. They're both DJ's but they work together more like Kris and I did a few years ago. But since I can't balance that lifestyle with my steady bingo job my contact with them is rare if not non-existant.

Those are the people I know. I mentioned Lisa because I realized after it was all said and done that I really did care for her deeply but she definitely wasn't the one for me or visa versa. It's too bad it took 5 yrs to figure out and admit and that we are no longer in contact. She's also an example of not a bad choice but just the wrong choice. One day I'll take the time to write an entry about her. Her file in my filing cabinet called my brain is one that needs to be sorted and filed properly. Most days she gets a bad rap from me but she also deserves some credit.

I mention all of them while talking about Love because you're supposed to love your friends in some way or the other. I think it also show a number of my inabilities and insecurities as a friend. As can be noted in the entry "I'm a Shitty Friend" as well.

I mentioned getting lost up there awhile ago. Did anyone notice the huge fuckin' left turn I took in this entry?

But anyway, I do tend to ramble, you'll just have to try to follow along.

I want to Love so bad that I think I give my heart away too easily. Factor in that I'm lonely and you've got a recipe for disaster. I wish I could say I'm not lonely I'm just alone. But I'm alone and I'm lonely.

There I admitted it.

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The Last Five Bingo Games

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