2002-08-29 - 2:50 a.m.

A Kite in A Hurricane

Well, I've have had a few shitty days in a row. I am very sorry I didn't share my pain with you. But that's just the way it is. Sometimes I just don't write. I think about it but then don't.

I had a couple of weird dreams in the last week. The first one followed a phone call from my therapist. He had to cancel the appointment I had booked last week because of scheduling conflicts or whatever. That's okay cause it conflicted with my schedule too. I actually believe I missed this weeks appt and just realized that now cause I am writing about it. Anyway, I digress. I took the call and then laid down on the couch. I dreamt that I was going to die and that was going to cause a problem with the said appt but how good of him to book it next week because I'd be back from dying by then. The strange thing was I was in space and was trying to catch a spaceship. Does this sound like shades of the "Heaven Gates" group or as I like to call them "The Just Did It Gang"? Well it was wierd.

The second dream I had involved winning a whole shitload of money. I opened a breakopen ticket (a Pull-Tab for my american readers) and won $100,000 dollars (plus another dollar somewhere else on the ticket. I was going to give the ticket to someone cause I thought I had just won a dollar when I finished pulling the last window and realized I won $100,000. I jumped up and danced around. So much for my plans of being mellow if I ever won tons of money so that no one know and knock me out and steal my ticket. Well, It's really too bad that it's impossible to win $100,000 on a breakopen. I was disappointed when I woke up and realized I was still a broke loser. LOL.

It's getting to the point in the year when I need to take a week off work. I am losing my sharpness and making lots of stupid errors again. I am stumbling over words when addressing the crowds too. I've also been extremely stressed out because I've felt totally burned out. I become an annoying asshole.

On an upside, Today I decided part of my problem is I am just an angry young man. I am not sure what I am mad at. I seem to want to fight with everyone. I need to learn to "Pick My Battles" because as the German's learned in World War II. You get in trouble when your fighting on more than one front. I've got little battles going on all over in my life. From work, to friends, to aquaintances. You just name it and I'm probably cause something bitterness somewhere. Am I that competitive that I have to WIN absolutely EVERYTHING. That's just fucked.

On the relationship front. I have YET another woman that I am quite infatuated with. I swear my heart is on parallel with a Kite in a Hurricane. It's all over the place. It's proof positive that I'm a real lonely fuck. Anyway, This woman, Tabitha, I've been talking to for a little while has a boyfriend but that's pretty recent. She had two different jobs to work one day but doesn't drive and the two jobs were on opposite sides of town. As fate would have it. The first job she was at was just 5 minutes down the road from where I live. So, I told her I'd be glad to give her a ride because I would be home and wouldn't be doing much. We had 25 minutes to spare so I drove down to beach and parked and talked to her. She told me I was "Too Sweet for my own good." and I told her I thought she was "Beautiful". We talk about other stuff those were just comments thrown in there. I drove her up to work. We talked for a bit. Then I said I was going to take off. She walked out towards the door and stood in front of me. We said our goodbye and she stood there so I opened my arms up and we hugged. I let her go and we stood there looking at each other but she was still standing in my path. I thought for a moment "does she want me to kiss her?" but she has a boyfriend. So I stepped passed her and waved. I caught her rolling her eyes. She did smile and we waved to each other as I made my way out the door. But I am pretty sure I missed an opportunity there. Fate you're evil. She disappeared from me for a few days. I just talked to her again today she'd spent a lot of time with bf (naturally) and they'd been sailing and had a good time. I asked her if I forgot to do something when I left her work that day. She asked "Like what" and I said "Kiss you?" her response to that was "Umm..." and I said "You don't have to answer that." and she said "I don't know what to say to that." I may have fucked things up there but I guess I just wanted to let her know I had realized (after the fact) what she wanted if in need that' what she wanted. I had to leave for work so that convo got cut short. But so much the better I suppose.

Well one more night shift then out of town for my friends wedding. I'm definitely going to that no matter how crappy I feel. I am not missing it for the world. I need to stick my car in somewhere during the day though. It's heating up way too fast. It's dying I have to get the other car on the road VERY Soon.

Stay Tuned...

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