2002-11-25 - 6:11 a.m.

You're Killing Me.

I just wanna die. That's how I feel.

No worries, I'm not the kind of person to take my life even if I do suffer from mild depression. I just don't know what's to go on for. Maybe that shows why I am so fucked up in life?

I don't want to kill myself but if the curtain fell down on the show right now I wouldn't be too concerned. Of course, I'd be dead so you're not usually too concerned with much by that point.

I realized that Veronica had emailed me and has been calling me at the same time. I guess she wants to discuss what she said to me in my email. I'm a little miffed that she's denying me the chance to go see Peter Gabriel like we had planned because she wants to go alone and not with me. That pisses me off actually but it really doesn't matter. It's minor to the fact that she's doing exactly what hurts me the most and that's pushing me away. This isn't the first time she's done and I believe (although one can never be 100% sure) that she's aware that that was part of the problem the first time around. Where I can began not to believe that we were gonna last and that maybe there was something better elsewhere and that I didn't want to pass on the opportunity to have sex with a women who was more socially acceptable in terms of looks. (Other people's opinions mind you but that has always dogged me too... acceptance.)

So, Now I am hurt and mad. Unable to cry. Although when I layed on the couch earlier my eyes were wet but nothing more. It was about then I realized she'd phone me a few hours earlier and had a mean nothing chat with me on the phone and then went to bed. It all clicked in.

I don't want to give her the satisifaction of my pain. I want to just carry on like nothing happened. I've heard it, I accept it but I am not gonna bring it up.

When you can't have it you want it so much more. Sigh.

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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