2002-04-17 - 8:33 p.m.

The Day After...

Okay, So My last entry was proof I was having a bad moment when I wrote in here. But that's okay because I need to acknowledge and stop denying that I get very, very, VERY depressed from time to time. That I really should address the "situation".

On the upswing of that. I thought it was probably one of the best pieces of writing I've done in a long time. There were some very descriptive words in it. I think I needed it all to come flooding out.

I was pretty melancholy today at work. My General Manager actaully sat down with me during one of my breaks and asked me if I was feeling down. I lied, I said I was just mellow. Which with my usual energy levels it was a believable scenerio. I just didn't feel like getting into and no need to drop my shit on anyone else. Of course, this place is my outlet and if you don't want it dumped on you here. Then perhaps you should ask yourself why you're reading this.

Veronica sent me email yesterday night. I had a sent her a ecard basically aplogising for being annoying and distant lately. Her response was a goodbye for now email. I didn't respond back and I probably won't. Although she's incredibly good for me the reverse is not the case. I'm very taxing on her and she has her own things to take of care and I have mine. Where those roads cross again is anyone's guess.

I knew it was coming though she had also backed away which is a little bit of what had sparked the dive into my current state although I was already heading that way all on my own. So, her email wasn't a shock. I wish her well. I love her.

It struck me as so strangely odd. I walked away from a girlfriend for the exact same reasons. I couldn't handle her current mental condition and the things that cause her to do to herself. So, I am getting it right back in the fact someone can't handle my mental state.

I don't blame her. How can you deal with someone who hates themselves as much as I hate myself? I mean, if you don't give a shit about yourself how can anyone else even attempt to. I'm self-destructive and anyone who comes in contact with me could very well be consumed by that.

I have so far to go.

My eyes feel like I've been crying for hours. But I don't cry so it's the wierdest feeling. My body is numb. The poision that is depression is coursing through my veins. I'm having my own little pity party and no ones invited but me. Exisiting at this moment has almost been surreal. I almost felt like I was watching myself at work today. Definitely my inner self was a million miles away.

I came home and watched the Canucks beat Detroit in Overime tonight in the first game of their playoff series. That was just amazing I hope they can continue such winning ways. That's been the highlight of my day.

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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