2002-02-13 - 5:17 p.m.

Goodbye Nikaylea

[WARNING: This is a fucked up entry and may cause one to think I'm insane. Consider yourself warned.]

When I was teenager I, for some reason, wanted a daughter. I, even, had her name picked out. Nikaylea.

My mother thinks I am wierd because I've always liked "different" names. I dunno, I like originality and something fairly unique. I came up with Nikaylea by combining a few names. They may be obvious but they are Nicole, Kathrine, and Elizabeth. I figured that when my daughter grew up she could choose to call herself whatever she felt best. She could be a Nicky. She could be Kay. She could be Lea. She could be Kaylee. Why limit a person. Nicknames are usually a form of admiration and affection between people. At least I think they are.

Anyway, I always wanted a daughter because I could always imagine this person that love me so unconditionally. I would be her hero. That gives me the coolest feeling inside. That's also a huge responsibility. Which brings me to the reality of today.

Veronica doesn't want kids at all. She's going so far as to correct this "problem" via the doctor. It's her body and more power to her. She knows what she wants. As for me, it's not that big a deal with me anymore. I'm 32. I'm starting to get, in my mind, too old to have kids. I'm also a wee bit set in my ways. Hell, My Cat can be too much responsibility at times. Strange how things work out for the best.

Speaking of strange, I had spent the night at work thinking about this topic and how I should make it an entry in this. When I got home I started up my Instant Messaging programs. Up popped Lise. It was strange karma I tell you. Let me explain.

Lise was my very first girlfriend. I met her online way back in the day of BBS's. We talked on the phone quite a bit. I asked her to marry me before I met her. (I was even more strange back then.) We met and we were together for about 6 months. She said she would have my baby. I should have taken her up on the offer back then. I do, sometimes, really wish I had. We broke up. My friends thought she was too fat. These were in the days when I influnced so easily by my peers. How sad. I gave up on someone who really cared about me over something as trivial as looks. If there's one decision in my life I regret badly and wish I could change. That one is it. It was so stupid. And for that, I'm eternally sorry Lise.

Lise is married now. She's happy. See things do really work out for the best.

And so it goes.

Goodbye Nikaylea, Daddy loves you.

|

previous - next

The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

What rating is your journal?