2002-04-16 - 8:57 p.m.

Depression is a Deep Dark Hole

Depression. It sucks.

I feel so overwhelmed. Feeling completely lost, most definitely. I don't just want to shut down, I want to shut off. The reason I haven't done anything around this house and much of anything lately is because I would just like it to all be over. I've made a pitiful use of this precious gift they call a life. I've done so many things in the past I regret. I've also not done enough in the past that I also regret.

I feel like I am just barely treading water with my head just minutely above the water line. I don't know why I continue to tread and stay above. How I would love to just relax, let go, and drown. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and the further I walk the darker it just seems to get.

I'm scared.

Is this it? Is this all I can manage to get from life? It's all one big circle and I always end up here. It's a deep, dark hole and I've not the strength to get out of it. Nor do I see the point. Once I climbed out, where would I go? Sadly, this place, it's all I know. It's sickening. This dark hurting spot it's what I know, it's my familiar. So, no matter where I go, I return here, I dwell here. I cannot let it go.

I return here because the pain reminds me I am still alive, still breathing, still human (I think).

I had a moment at work today where I realized that I'm responsible for me. I'm the maker of my own destiny. I've got to get up and start doing to accomplish anything. That it all begins with giving a shit about myself. Not accepting my own excuses to myself. Raise my standards for myself. Make ME a priority. Stop hating myself for things in the past. The past is the past. You can't outrun it you can only move on from it.

I'm vexed. I'm perplexed. How I let myself wallow in the darkest depths of self-pity. I know it's unacceptable of me but I cannot see which way is the way to go. No exit sign. No decisions made for me. I must do it myself. Yet, I don't trust my own judgement. I've made many bad choices along the line. I don't believe in me, I don't even like me.

I know I am good person, don't get me wrong. I know every little bit of "there there it's not as bad as it looks" advice. I don't want to listen. For it means I have to leave this place. The familiar. The pain. The reminder that I'm alive. It's mine all mine and no one else can have it.

I'm selfish. It's true. It makes me ugly but then I never thought of myself otherwise. What do you see in me? Because I see nothing but a failure. An excuse for a human being, so much more there than what is showing.

I'm pathetic. I'm apathetic too. Definitely so. I'm apathy personified. That's why I recognise it so well. It's like viewing a mirror. I know who you are, you're like me.

I don't think I've ever admitted that before but it's true. I do very much personify apathy. I just don't give a shit and it shows. I lack emotion, interest and feelings. That's apathy through and through.

I'm scared. I don't like being hurt unless it me hurting myself because I see that coming. I can inflict hurt upon myself in a slow, meticulous manner. Like turning a tap slowly on. Easing it through my veins so that I get used to it. Til it numbs me like an illicit drug. So I can just stand there, sit there, lay there and let the poision do its work. But don't you do it to me because then it's inflicted upon with out my control. It wounds me and I bleed and I cannot stop it. But it's what I want because I crave it like the drug that it's become to me. I'm addicted to being hurt because it's familiar and it reminds me that I'm still alive.

I don't want to die. For dying to me finalizes the failure. But death has it's attraction and six feet under doesn't seem so hard to do. (Last place I heard that was a Creed song I think.) Death is the easy opt out. You don't have to play the shitty cards you've been dealt and drawn for. You just fold the hand and the game goes on without you. But it's no longer quite the same game but not many notice that point so you're easily forgotten. But Death you can't come back from not at least to place you were at. If there was such a thing as reincarnation I think we'd know about it and death wouldn't be such a big deal to everyone. Death is very permemant and there's no two ways around that.

I wish that my grandfather (my mom's dad) had lived longer in my life. He died when I was 2. Our birthdays were very close and he liked me very much. (So my mother tells me). He would have had a huge influence on my life. This I know as well. He used to comb my hair the exact same way he did his own hair. At least, that's what I've been told. He was a musician. He played in big bands in Vancouver. He probably would have helped teach me music and instruments. I love music for the sounds and the moods you can create with it but I don't have the discipline to learn even though I own a few intrustments of my own. I can't say I knew my grandfather, "Papa" as my sisters called him, but I miss him anyway.

I wish I had a father. Oh, I have a dad but it's not the same. I wish I had an older brother because I have no one to confide in. I have no one to help me who won't make me feel useless or stupid. Which at times, quite often those times are, makes me feel helpless like I'm supposed to know all this stuff already. Which I know is fallacy but I still feel that way.

That's enough for now I just needed to let somethings out of my head and my heart. I may write more of this later. The commentary in my head never stops, I could be here all night.

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