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2003-09-25 - 3:02 a.m.

Violations

Some days you have to learn lessons. Some days we realize we keep repeating similiar mistakes over and over again.

I've warned myself about writing online. I did that here. Did I listen to myself very well. No.

Writing online is such a catch twenty-two sometimes. I have moments like the other day when Uncle Boobie linked my site and I became a hit whore for a moment. Not that there's anything wrong with it but I made a tactical error in my "offline" life.

I mentioned that I had a comedy journal writer link to my journal and send the hits out of this world. Now, as you know I've been using The Chick's computer for the last little while and recently I took my guard down and started writing entries via her computer.

Well, Some of you might remember THIS particular entry. At the time I wrote it I was just doing what you do in a journal. Logging a fact of life. I never really intended for anyone I knew(specifically The Chick) to read that.

Unfortunately for me, Someone found out about it and told her about it. She initially didn't believe and did something I was a bit shocked by (but then again not totally) she sought out my journal to verify the fact.

She found that entry.

She confronted me without telling me she'd read my journal. So, I lied.

Then I went and read the stats for my page and saw a ton of hits from our ISP. I knew I'd been busted. So, I went and sat down and talked to her about it.

I tried to explain that I lied to protect her from hurting her. That, the situation wasn't one I had sought out. It just happened and at the time I wasn't too sure how I felt about her or what I wanted. And Honestly, I hadn't thought about that since it happened. I, even, told her I'd have to go back and read my own entries around the time of it to get a feel for what was going on in my head back then.

None the less, the damage is done. Again, I find myself in the position of hurting someone I actually care about. Once again, damned by my own selfish actions.

I want to chalk it up to a number of things now. The month before I got the bad news about my mom. Not long before that I was still sorting out the mess of things I made with Veronica.

My failure again was not making clear decisions based on what I wanted and what others wanted of me.

I just have to hope that she realizes I am not the same person I was 3 months ago and that I made a rather large decision moving in with her. I really didn't make the decision lightly.

Does this spell the end of Under the I?

No, I write here because I need closure to my thoughts, my day, and my life. To give up on this because of my own inability to keep private something I've always said I wasn't showing off would be a doing myself a huge injustice.

Am I mad at Samantha for seeking out my journal? No. I'm disappointed that she came and read something I'd asked her not to. But it was my fault for mentioning I had it at all. The blame lies squarely on me.

Will this change the way I write here or what I write about?

I'd like to say no, but how can I? I know for sure someone I know and have written about knows where this journal is. I will attempt to continue to be the similiar to how I've always been.

As the Cliche goes "The only constant is change."

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
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I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
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Under The I - Blogger-Style
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