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2003-12-11 - 12:50 p.m.

Stop the World...

...I wanna get off.

Ugh.

Well, I've been on the go here for quite a few days in a row and it doesn't seem to be ending. Today I have the day off but I haven't time to really relax. I suppose I shouldn't even be doing this but here I am none the less.

I got home from work last night and was eating some food I picked up from the local late night greek restautrant. I had the Beef Dip and Fries with a small greek salad. If I haven't mentioned this before or your new to my diary I have to say, I love me some greek salad. I decided I needed it because I seem to have picked up a chest cold. I'm feel entirely zapped of my strength so I thought the half an onion they chop up into a greek salad would help me alot. I know, I know, they put about a pound of feta cheese on a greek salad and cheese isn't really the best thing one can eat when they are sick. (Can you say phlegm?) I figured the benefit of the fresh onion outweighed the cheese. (Furtherpoint, I love Feta Cheese too.)

The Absent Roommate is home so he and The Chick had rented movies and I was just in time to watch "Dreamcatcher". Which was actually pretty good and really felt like a mix of "The Body" (aka "Stand By Me") and "It". Since all three are Stephen King stories it's not really that surprising. The movie also wasn't as bad as I had heard it was and as Stephen King stories go it was one of his more interesting stories. Yet, I still wait patiently for the movie version of "The Mist".

After the movie, The Chick checked her email. There was an email from my mom there. It's really true no news is always good news. So, this news, wasn't good. Seems the Cancer Clinic has told my mom there's nothing more they can do for her. It was really a depressing email. Short to the point and really conveyed the fact my mom thinks it's over. Ever since my mom was first diagnosed with terminal lung cancer I've been encouraged by the fact my mom hadn't given up. She was eating and doing all the things that help extend ones life when fighting an illness that isn't going to go away.

Then the bad stuff started happening. First was the loss of the use of my mom's legs weakened by a tumor on her hip. Now, being told the clinic can no longer help. It's understandable she's a bit discouraged. I can't imagine how scary it is to know you're life is basically on borrowed time. Which really brings me to where I'm at. I don't know what to do.

I've been living my life the way I figured my mom would want me to. I haven't been going over there every spare moment partly because of travel time the other because I'm in the busiest part of my year workwise and there's been some added work oriented stuff added on to my plate of late and the balancing act is time consuming. It seems like every day I could be doing something work related and taking a day off (like today) seems like I'm squandering time. I'm going to see my mom today but I have to come back tomorrow right away because I've already commited myself to DJ an Xmas party. (I can't afford to throw away the money either) It's really a catch-22.

So, I'm going but I don't see the good. I realize my mom probably wants to see me. The Chick was talking to one of my sister's and supposedly I'm all my mom is talking about. I feel I probably haven't done enough but I also wonder what exactly I could be doing or could have done. It's all so overwhleming and in the end I'm gonna lose my mom. That is the reality of it all.

I'm rambling now, so I'm gonna just end this here but the point was to put it out there. That I did.

--

7:59 PM

Well, I wasn't able to get over to see my mom. This was mostly caused by a Wildcat Strike at the Ferries. And spending $50 to get back and forth without my car seemed like a lot for a half day trip. I talked to my sister Jo on the phone tonight. I wish I didn't have to work this weekend but I can't out of it. So, I'll plan on a trip for the 17th. Hopefully this is good enough.

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