2004-03-02 - 8:56 a.m.

Goodbye Mom, I'll See You Later

I appreciate those that passed along their sympathy to me. I also like to thank strangerlucy and nixtress for the mention in their diaries.

I couldn't remember what I had written about the topic of my mom so far. So I had to back and read the entry previous to the last one.

The night I arrived was a fairly busy one with quite a few people coming into see my mom. The room at one point was quite busy when my Brother in law showed up with the three kids. I know my mom was very happy to see them. She really loves her grandkids.

Eventually the night quieted down and then my sister Jewels gave me a lift to see my dad. We had a pretty non-eventful night. He reheated some lasagna that Jewels had made. My dad is at his most relaxed when he can feed you. It's his comfort and I wasn't about to not allow him to deny him that. We watched TV together and I ended up falling asleep on the new love seat. I woke up at some point and my dad had put his blanket on top of me. Damn, I'm still five in his eyes aren't I?

Anyway, The next 4 days really seem to have gone by in a blur. I spent most of the time sitting in my mom hospital room. It was quite evident that my mom wasn't going to be coming home. This was confirmed by a doctor to Jewels and I. He told us that her bicarbonate level was getting quite high as her body compensated for not being able to get enough oxygen. I mentioned I was from out of town and had planned on returning there to deal with my work promotion. He suggested that my mom might not make it until I returned.

I started making the phone calls back to work. Letting them know that my mom had taken a turn downhill and that my sister's felt I should stay. My bosses were very understanding and that was a huge relief. I know everyone else thinks this was a minor thing but I hate causing disruptions. I know I needed to be with my mom and my family at this time but I really like to fufill obligations too. It's just who I am.

I've got to say, My sisters and I had some great conversation over these last few days. We've come a little bit closer to each other. It proves that in times of trial how close our family really is even if we don't keep close contact at all times.

I thought at one point I had put my foot in my mouth. (Which I've always been very good at around my family). I was telling my sister Jo that I was pretty confident leaving Dad on his own because he seemed to be very accepting of everything that was transpiring. I was telling her that I felt like Dad wasn't acting like Mom was Gone but more like she was just off on a trip. It was at that point that Jo eyes darted over to my mom. My mom had one eye open and she was staring right at me. She had in fact been listening. It completely stopped Jo and I's conversation and then my mom closed her mouth and we both thought she looked very sad. We later recanted the story to Jewels and she thought Mom was probably happy crying knowing that Dad was dealing better with it than he had when Mom had gone into the hospital about six months ago. I sure hope so cause I've always hated making my mom cry.

Us three kids had a rather hilarious conversation about how much mom enjoyed her quiet time in the morning. How she would get up at 4:30am and sit with her cigerette and coffee watching the clock. How if we ever interupted that by getting up (or in my case, when I was a older teen, coming home) she give us that irritated look of "Don't you have somewhere else you could be?!". We realized we're all like that. We love our alone time. We like to get away from everyone and have private time not to do anything particular but be by ourselves. It goes to prove that you really learn your habits from your parents. Probably one of the best conversations I've ever and maybe ever will have with my two sisters together.

On Saturday night, I had made a point of making sure that I went home to my parent's place to have dinner with my dad. He had said the night before that he had thought we would have pizza together but then I hadn't come home I had stayed the night at the hospital. I knew my job was being there for my dad just as much as it was being there for my mom and my sister's. I was walking out of the room to go when I suddenly realized I should say goodbye to my mom. I turned around and headed towards her bed. I said "Goodbye Mom, I'll see you later." those were my last words to my Mom as I never made it back to the hospital. I feel strangely comforted in my last words to her because it was Goodbye but I know I'll see her again one day.

I made the mistake of watching TV at my parent's in the complete dark on a bit of an angle. That always seems to give me the most incredible tension headache. I took some tylenol and laying on the living room floor with my head propped up on some pillows. It was getting close to 1am. I was laying there just letting my mind float. It's something I like to do quite often. My mind floated into and out of many different incomplete thoughts. It was interupted by the strangest blip or something. I remember clearing thinking "What the HELL was that...". Shortly, after that the phone rang. It was my sister Jo. She had fallen asleep and woke up and didn't think my mom was breathing anymore. She went and got a nurse who said "Are you sure, I was just in there 5 minutes ago." Sure enough, Mom was gone.

The news was really a big relief. I had thought it was dragging on way too long and I didn't want to see my mom suffering like that. My dad interupted the conversation I'm sure he knew what was happening only because of the time. Jo let me know that she would be coming over once everything was dealt with at the hospital.

Once my sister's both arrived we set up Mom's usual spot at the kitchen table. My dad brought out a bottle of champagne that my sister had brought over for New Year's. We opened it up and toasted the most important woman in our world. We reminiced for a couple of hours and then we all decided it was best that we all retire and get some much needed rest.

My Mom was 62.

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