2005-04-27 - 5:13 a.m.

I Won't Always Be Sad

It's very early Wednesday morning. I've been off work now for over a week and not due to return until the beginning of May. I guess I should be thankful that I had a bunch of unbooked holiday time and I took advanrage of it.

I can't say I've done anything overly spectacular with the time. I've been really just taking it easy and doing things to distract myself. Mostly Poker because it sucks me in and I don't think about much else.

It's strange how my sleep patterns have slowly adjusted back to a normal life. I've been wiped right out by 11pm or 11:30pm at the latest. I've probably been sleeping exactly 8 hours at night and so that makes me rise a lot earlier. I can't say it bothers me any it's kind of nice in a way.

It's also been a week since my dad died. [Long Pause Here Thinking]. I think the biggest trouble I've had was I really wasn't ready. I am not totally shocked I was just taken off guard.

With my mom I had to hear and watch her go downhill and the progression was obvious. It's something you hate to see but you can prepare yourself. In the end it's almost relief for everyone involved, most of all the person who is passing. When it's very sudden you just don't have the time to get ready for it. That's what I'm dealing with now.

My Dad and I were never that close. (Long Time Readers will be familiar with some of this background). Too much of the same material inside. You couldn't keep the two of us in the same room for any extended period of time without annoying one another. I think we both could see our faults so clearly since we shared so many of them that it was always embers for the roaring fire that was any disagreement we had.

I have confession to make and I never got to say it to my dad and that'll probably be the biggest regret of my life. My dad was my hero. I know this probably not a big revelation to those of you men who are really close with your old man but it is to me. As cynical and assholish as he could be I still thought so highly of him just because he was my dad.

I think that's where part of my anger towards him came from. I spent the majority of my life never being able to live up to, or perhaps felt, his expectations of me were. He often chastized me and said I would never amount to much. When your hero in life tells you think like that it devastates you beyond measure. I have to note that after taking the position I have now those types of comments seemed to stop. I have to believe that this means I final did amount to something even if it wasn't what he expected.

I'm sad that I didn't get to tell him that he actually did mean something to me. I'm sad that I never got to say goodbye. I've tried to wonder to myself what his final morning was like. I know I shouldn't do that but I do. There's so many questions when you aren't given a chance for closure. Questions you never do really get answers to. You can only take your best guess.

35 seems way too young to lose both your parents and at that both parents with just over a year.

His Memorial his next week, I'll do my best to say goodbye and remember all the good things that he brought to life.

Thanks to all of you who left messages, comments, emails and/or talked to me on Instant Message. I know how tough it is to express sympathy for people. Just be assured that I do appreciate it. So Thanks again for taking the time.

"Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure"
"Under Pressure" - Queen

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