2002-03-30 - 3:33 a.m.

Everybody is looking for something. What are you looking for?

This the Lip Service topic for March. I thought this topic was exactly why I started this diary. So I thought this was a good omen/prompting to answer this kind of question. I'm already procrastinating by explaining.

If I really knew what it was I was looking for, well, I'd have already found it. Very simply, I'm looking for happiness. It's the one things that eluded my grasp for a good portion of my life. I remember, once, looking at an elementary school class picture. I believe I was in Grade 1 at the time. I'm actually smiling in the picture. You can tell it's geniuine smile too. I'm look so happy to be there smiling for a camera. I was happy then obviously what brought that to an abrupt end is hard to truly know. All I know is the next school year my parents decided we lived to far away from the big city to be involved in much. So my parents found a place in the suburbs of Vancouver. That's where I grew up. I must say, it was a nice neighbourhood but nothing went right for me. I had trouble making friends and I got lost in my own fantasy world (I still have an incredibly active imagination.) which made it even harder to be accepted by people. This is another thing that's dogged me for many years. I've always wanted to just fit in. I've done a lot of stupid things over the year in some strange twisted attempt to be accepted by others. It's always backfired badly on me and I think people are in disbelief that such a smart person (and I do believe that is the consensus of people that know me) could be so foolish. Not being accepted by people sent me spriallng into a loneristic depression mode. I still have some the poems and such stuff as I wrote as a younger teen. It's all very sad. It was always about heartbreak, hurt, pain. I've always been very happy to share with people that I like. I guess it's my way of saying this is where I've come from. This is who I really am and not the egotistical bravado asshole you may encounter from time to time. It strange how we build walls, obstacles and whatever other defenses we can imagine to stop people from getting in once we've been hurt. I must say my school years were just an unmitigated disaster. It's surprising I never killed myself. I, truely, wanted to die many times but something, somewhere inside me, told me there was more to life.

I can't tell you how ripped off I feel. I watch some kids and I think I missed out on something. I've so many regrets about things in the past. I really need to just learn to let go and forgive myself for being foolish/stupid/naive/young and just move on. Of course, this doesn't come with some concerted effort on my part. Which brings me around to the fact I'm scared shitless to actually fail at something I attempt. It's the payoff (as Veronica would say) to my procrastination and putting things off. I know I can do these things but if I put them off I don't have to find out honestly and truly, if I can ACTUALLY do them. Does that make sense? nevertheless it makes sense to me.

Which brings me to present day. It's sad that what I've accomplished in my career so far is being a bingo caller. I'm so much better than that. Right now, it's a job. I have to remind myself of that. I need to remind myself no matter how much my co-workers/management/industry piss me off, all I can do is my job and I should do it the best of my ability and let the rest of the bullshit just land wherever. Truly, I'm a person who wants to do things right. As I always say I'm procrastinating perfection. If you can't do it right, why bother? There's something to be said about that and then there's take your best shot it at one day and then trying to out do yourself the next. I really do believe what a former manager once said to me. If you ever stop trying to do things better or to think of new ways to do things to make things even better than they are, then it's time to move on.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I dunno. I enjoy performing. I wish I was an actor, radio/tv personality or some such nonsense. I get a real kick out of being in front of people. I get a high off the whole performance thing. I am also quite talented behind the scenes. When I was doing some community television work. I was a total control freak. It's my creative nature. I want to do it all. I've always got trouble delagating things out to people I don't think can do it the way I envision it. Of course, they can't because they have their own vision of the final product. Being a control freak was my strength by nothing being left undone. It was also my undoing in that it stretched me too thin and I burned out rather quickly.

Burned Out. I can get there faster and faster everytime now. I am not sure how to recoup anymore. I've mentioned before that I just can't handle stress the way I used to. When I get stressed out now I just want to lie down, fall asleep and forget about it or something.

It's not all bad news. It's just a slow process. It's day to day and you can only crawl so fast before you can walk, you can only walk so fast before you can run. Then it's a variety of paces from there. It's just a matter of organizing all the thoughts, feelings, dreams, emotions, and goals. It's the reason I am doing this. Just as a way of getting the clutter out of my non-stop thinking mind.

It's me here, looking. I'm looking for the answer. I'm just searching for my share of happiness.

Stay Tuned...

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
Checkmate - 2010-11-11
I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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