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2005-09-08 - 4:42 a.m. It's a Matter of Integrity I'm sure if I thought this entry out it might be more coherant. I tend to write off the cuff so probably not so much. Integrity. According to Merriam Webster Integrity means : I'm all about integrity. I know most of you don't know me personally and even reading my entire archive of entries may give you an indication of the person that I am but most of you wouldn't know quite know exactly who I am. But let me assure you, I'm very big on integrity. I've found that, in life, it can be one of those proverbial double edged swords. People talk about it but it's mostly lip service and in reality none of the really want to adhere to it. I think it's because it's far too difficult to have integrity without conflict. The thing most people don't want is conflict. To have integrity requires a backbone. If you're wishy-washy it's very difficult to have it. It's one those qualities you have to believe in what you believe without doubt. The majority of the time other people will think you're bullheaded and stubborn and perhaps (as is the case with myself from time to time) even think your stupid and ignorant. When did it become wrong to stick up for yourself? When did it become non-chic to have standards? Currently my situation has me standing at a crossroads. I find myself burdened with a decision. It's not really a decision I want to be forced to make. Unfortunately, sometimes life doesn't allow us the luxury of picking and choosing times when decisions are to be made. We travel along and find ourselves at a crossroad and the clock ticks as we contemplate which path to take. Yes, I'm talking about my work situation. Yes, it all comes out so cryptic because I can't really talk about it directly. I really apoligise about that because it makes for extremely difficult reading. Hey, it also makes for incredibly difficult writing because I'm constantly (and mean non-stop) editing and censoring myself. That's pretty tough for a person who believes quite strongly in free speech. Anyway, I'm at a crossroad and I have to make a decision. It isn't that my integrity is being questioned because I really feel that it was partly my integrity in my beliefs that got my noticed in that first place. It seems that my integrity is being challenged. I feel like my right to state my opinion is being challenged and in some ways it's being repressed. Either way it's not a good feeling. Part of the problem is my own self confidence. I have to decide if this is all my capable of. If it is then I think for survival factors I should probably shut the fuck up and just do what I'm told and be happy with the monetary gains my current situation gives me. On the other hand, I could continue to express my beliefs, stand up for myself, and generally keep myself in a position where I may be let go for said beliefs. It's a tough decision because "I am who I say I am." that's part of my integrity. It's hard to change who you are because compromising oneself feels an awful lot like defeat. It's all about integrity.
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