2004-04-18 - 1:51 a.m.

Honesty

Man,

I'm exhausted.

I think that should be my motto or something because I've probably said that a few hundred times in my over 300 (holy crap, I've written that many? God I need a life. Wait, That'd just mean I'd have more to write about. Baha, Viscious Circle!) entires.

The reason I'm exhausted is I had a long day at work. Between being up early and working late and also being a tad bit under the weather, I'm pooped. Although I feel the need to share. I share my pain. Now take it away.

No, Actually, I mean share as in this crap entry that I'm babbling about nothing just to fill space and make myself look like a great writer like Weetabix, Outfoxed, or even Pork Tornado when in fact I'm just a hack. But a Happy Hack because I really do enjoy writing here.

I have to thank Veronica for that since she was the one that suggested I start journal writing to clear my head. It's done wonders over the past 2 and 1/2 years I've been writing here. There are parts about my own personality that I've notice have mellowed since I started writing here. The revelations to my ownself as well as the expunging of parts of my past that were haunting me have helped to calm the inner parts of Bingo Guy.

Yet, the last little while this Sanctuary of thought has become a different beast. First, I started to acknowledge other journal writers. Hell I acknowledged that people actually stop here and read this drivel. That changed things. I got a promotion to a new job which meant I had to stop talking about work. That definitely has changed things. But most of all the biggest change has come in the fact that Samantha AKA The Chick knows exactly where this place is. That makes it tough. That toughness comes in the form of honesty.

I can't be brutually honest about the inner things in me. Well, Definitely not in terms of The Chick. I sometimes feel like venting here and I hesitate because I don't want The Chick to read this and think it's gospel. Just because I wrote it down doesn't necessarily mean I truely believe my own shit doesn't stink. It just means that's how I felt at the moment I wrote it. The raw honesty of my emotions and feelings laid down so that I could look at it and say "Holy fuck, You're a fucking panzy ass. Get it together you panzy ass."

It's sometimes those reactions to my own words I never write down here. Maybe eventually those words will resurface once they've done their work internal inside my mind and body.

It's those reactions to entries like "Depression Is A Deep Dark Hole","Goodbye Nikaylea","I Feel" and the more recent "Goodbye Mom, I'll See You Later" that I don't tend to post. Mostly because once I've written the parts running around in my head down they stop running around and I never really feel the need to explain how they became filed properly in my head. It probably seems redundant to my logical mind.

In the same breath, I want to strive myself to be even more honest with myself. So that I can truely let the past be the past and let it Rest In Peace. Which really is more so going on in my OTHER diary. My other diary if you haven't been there delves more into my love of songs. How I've held onto songs that I've heard in the past and how they have left significant maker points in my life thus far. The lyrics of each song tie into events in my life and I expound upon those lyrics and explain how it all comes together. It's a slow process because I really need to be in the mood to let those things go. I'm bringing the songs out in a certain order and some topics are harder for me to just type out than others. It's probably the closest I get to bareing my soul on here.

Although, I want to push myself to be better at it. As I've re-read them I've sometimes seen where I've held back. Afraid you'll really decide I'm a pretty sick, twisted, and depraived exuse for a human being. Then I read my day to day entries and think "They probably thought that after the first few lines of ANY entry. Never mind the soul baring ones.

Ah, well. As I've said before it's an ongoing process. One that could prove to last a lifetime.

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The Last Five Bingo Games

Ripples - 2011-02-01
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I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
A Tempting Morsal - 2010-08-20

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