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2006-06-04 - 12:32 p.m.

Here Goes...

Perhaps, I should have hit you with the tag line from one those old radio shows. "...a tale well calculated to keep you in SUSPENSE!"

That SURELY would have brought you back to read this entry.

All 4 of you.

But hey, I love all four of you and could name you by name. Isn't that cool?

I should have told you this story probably about a week ago Thursday but in my own defense I was also quite busy which, who knows, may have been for the better. Busy is good right?

A week ago Thursday or perhaps I should back up to the night before that when I finally made the decision.

The Flash and I were laying on the bed that night. Flash had himself tucked in between my arm and my body with his paws resting on my shoulder. This has been a familiar spot for him and I for 13 years.

If you were to roll the clock back to when he was a kiten I think this would be the position you would find him and I the first time we ever fell asleep on the couch together.

As we laid on the bed together I took a long look at The Flash and looked into his eyes. If he could just speak english it really would help at a time like this. Unfortunately animals don't so I'm left to make my best guess. The obvious point was that he hadn't really eaten anything in over a week although he was still drinking water. The result of that was he had a lost a lot of the mass that made people spurt the beverage of their choice out their nostrils when I mentioned my cat's name was "The Flash".

Anyway, I studied his eyes in an attempt to guage if he was in a lot of pain or fatigued. Note: I really do believe you can read most animals and humans if you take a good look into their eyes. Windows to the soul. It's my firm belief. Something in me told me that now was the time and I decided the next day would be it.

It sometimes comes down to the bandage question. "Which hurts more pulling the bandage off slowly or pulling it off quickly?" A decision had to be made and I had to be the one to make it. So I did.

The Chick was kind enough the next day to call the vet for me. It was probably the only procastinating I did all day.

I had been keeping The Flash at The Chick's place only because their were more people living there because of his medication needing to be given 8 hours and just incase he deterioated rapidly while I was at work or soemthing. We stopped by my place to let me take a shower and change my clothes before we headed to the Vet. The Flash gave me a bit of mixed message at this point because he perked up a bit. I'm not sure if it was because I had boxes all over the place as I was packing up to move in a few days after that. He always seemed to know what a lot of boxes arriving meant. It may have been a little bit of familiarity again. I reminded myself he hadn't eaten in days and that this was for the best and went and took my shower.

Putting your animal down is a truely surreal ordeal. Right from the moment you walk into the Vet to the time when you leave without your beloved pet. The paperwork in this particular Vet's office was odd. The piece of paper I signed to authorized looked like Certificate of Completion. "Congratulations, Your Owner Has Given You Passage To The Next World.". (The sarcasm here is in retrospect, I can assure you my entire body was numb at the time of the experience.)

I elected to settle the bill BEFORE it all went down because doing it the other way around would be odd if not just plain weird.

Wow, Putting your animal down is NOT cheap. Now I could have saved a bunch of money by taking the body back and disposing of it on my own. (Wow, Did you need proof that I live in a rural type city, there's the proof right there.) Anyway, taking the body back to me was just as weird as settling the bill afterwards so I had it set up for them to cremate him and dispose of his ashes. (Sorry, people the body is just a shell.) Unfortunately for me this option made the bill about twice as expensive.

We got sent into the exam room and the Vet came in and chatted with us a bit. Thankfully said I was doing the right thing and that at this point he probably wasn't suffering badly but that the downhill sprial was coming. He felt the back of his head and commented on the loss of muscle mass as another sign I was doing the right thing.

He explained the process and results and some things we might notice afterwards. It was at this point I realized I'd never had to put any of my animals down. All had died on their own or had gone to other people while they were still quite healthy. He then disappeared to go get an assistant and to get the injection.

They came back and also had a Shearer (sic?) to shave his front paw so they could find a vein. The Vet asked me if he was spooked by them which made me laugh cause I had a habit of spooking one of my other cats with my razor but The Flash would just look at me funny and then if I stuck it in his face he would sniff it to see if it was good to eat. In True Flash fashion he never even flinched when they turned that on or even when they shaved the fur off the front paw. Gotta love him.

He wasn't so much for the injection. He made me laugh again cause he did try to move but then all he did was turn his head towards me (away from his paw) and that made me think of myself and my hatred of needles. I calmly said "That's right, Flash, don't look".

Then he slumped and it was over. The Chick left the room right after that and the Vet left me alone for a few minutes to say goodbye. I appreciated that. I rubbed his still warm head which made it all the more surreal and hard to believe what had just transpired. I told him I was sorry I had to do it and that I'd miss him. I then shifted his head so it looked like he was just sleeping cause that's how I wanted to remember him.

I walked out of the Vet office. I could feel the other people that were in the office look at me. I know The Chick had just been through and was probably obviously crying. I'm not like that though so I'm sure they thought I was cruel and heartless.

I walked outside and stood on the sidewalk. I looked around and breathed the air. I told myself a couple of times that I did what had to be done and that I shouldn't feel bad about it but it's hard not to.

I'll miss you Flash.

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