2004-05-23 - 10:53 p.m.

I Only Grieve in My Dreams...

I had a dream this morning. I can't remember the whole dream anymore. This is mostly because the ending was so overwhelming that I kind of forgot how it all connected afterwards.

This is the second time I've dreamed in some reference about my mom since she passed away. I don't even remember how she managed to become a focal point in my dream. The only part I really remember was realizing something about mom and the fact she was gone and I started to really cry hard.

Now, That's really odd for me because I'm not the type of person who cries readily or very easily. It takes a very big emotional swing to bring me to tears. (Yes, yes, I realize dwelling on the death of a parent could be considered, by most, a very emotional matter.)

Anyway, in my dream, I realized my mom was gone started crying uncontrollably and then I felt this intense energy around my entire body and got this calming sense of "Everything is ok." Now, I don't know if that was just the rational side of my brain kicking in and helping out the emotional side OR perhaps (if you believe in it) whatever energy form my mom has taken on (Mass cannot be destoryed only changed. Basic Physics) reached out and comforted my subconcious mind.

I can't say I believe deeply in the latter. The thought is sort of neat and comforting so you'll exuse me if I give it a possible, but perhaps imporbable, chance of being something that could happen.

How strange is it that I've only cried about my mom in my dreams? I suppose I should feel so comfort in the fact my subconcious mind is grieving over the loss of my mom. I can admit to some degree that I'm not a completely heartless bastard when it comes to my loved ones. Although, I'm sure THAT point is always up for debate.

I've never really heard of people ONLY grieving in their dreams. Although, I've had a couple moments conciously where the loss has welled up in me and I've almost be "Oh my god, what do I do, now?" but then it subsides. I'm a master of my emotions. I think that's a curse.

Now for something completely unrelated...

I've noticed someone with the AT&T (I think it's New England Branch) ISP is reading my entire fucking journal. I've got over 300 entries, enjoy. I know new people sometimes read a handful of my entries when they first find me. It's REALLY odd when it's starts getting over 100 entries they've scanned. At that point I'm thinking "You really need a hobby."

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Someone Managed to Come here Searching for "nickname for Kaylee" [I think they found my Nikaylea entry.]

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I Need Anger - 2010-10-15
I'd Like To Point Something Out - 2010-09-10
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