2006-05-16 - 6:22 a.m.

Loss

I know it's been forever. What an odd little place this has become. It's like I just turned on a low wattage light on a desk and kind of lit up a very little corner of a larger room with books all over the shelves around me that you can really see because the light from the little lamp only gives a hint of anything else in the room.

I'm hunched over and typing away and completely unaware that anyone is observing what I'm doing. Isn't it kind weird to be a fly on the wall?

I haven't had a lot to say in the last little while because I've been slowly reclusing into myself. Is this the way my grief over the loss of my parents has manifest itself? Perhaps.

I had hoped 2006 would be a year where I would not lose anything. Unfortunately, We aren't able to call the grand shots and we're subjected to rolling with the punches that life dishes out.

Simply Put, The Flash is dying. Yes, The animal who just turned 13 last month got deathly ill while I was working out of town at the end of April. I was called and told by over the phone by some strange voice who identified themselves as the Vet who was examining Flash that he was really not in a good way and that putting him down was probably the best course of action.

I was too far away. This was not a decision I could make over a cell phone. I listened calmly, I understood what was being told to me even if I didn't want to believe it. This was the situation and decisions had to be made. I asked questions that lead to the Vet saying that a shot of some sort of medication could ellivate some of the massive fluid on his chest that was hindering his breathing and perhaps allow him to survive the travel hours that I require to get to his side.

I'm selfish, God damn it! If I was going to make the decision to bring my cat's life to an end I was going to be there. I was going sit with him and I was going to pet him and tell him I was sorry for having to do what I was doing and then watch him fade away.

It was the most agonizing few hours of travel and wait overnight for the Vet's to open that I've ever remembered.

Now imagine my horror when sitting in the examination room waiting for the Vet to arrive that he opens the door and enters the room without The Flash.

Good God, Did he not survive? Where is he?

Mr. Vet wants to show me the X-rays and explain what's happening. I didn't really need to see the X-rays. I pretty much visualized (which is pretty amazing in itself)these images he was showing me from his description of them over the phone the previous day.

I strangely found myself looking at other parts of the X-ray particularly his back legs I was trying to see if I could notice any healed broken bones to explain why he always walked funny and favoured one side quite often. I couldn't see anything to solve that riddle.

Mr Vet finally got around to telling me that Flash had responded very well to two shots of the medication and that Euthenasia was not his recommended course anymore. He felt that The Flash had some quality time left and that I should take him home, once he filled him with a prescription, and enjoy what time he had left with him.

That's where I'm at. The Flash is dying. He stopped having any interest in eating a couple of days ago. I'm still able to get him to drink water but I basically have to make it a ritual. "Now is water drinking time" and he goes through the routine for me.

Other than one of my best friends and, of course, my family members, I've never had another living creature around me as long as I've had The Flash. My other animals have mostly exited my life in the possesion of people who were also departing from my reality of the world with the exception of two.

This one is the tough one. It's too soon though, I figured he would live til I was 40. We're 4 years too early. I'm not ready.

Cancer again. Sigh. I'm weary.

To top it all off the other day I found out my landlord wants me to move out so that their daughter can move in. When it rains it pours.

The Flash is dying and I just needed to talk.

"The moment I said it
the moment I opened my mouth
lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me
I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Sadly things just happen.... we can't...... explain"
The Moment I Said It - Imogen Heap

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