2006-07-23 - 6:10 p.m.

The Calm Before The Storm

It's Hot today, it's also windy. I took a walk around work in the middle of the afternoon and it reminded me of holding a blowdryer to my face. Very Hot Wind directly to the face. I am sure it helped feather my too long hair. [Reminder to Self: Self get a haircut!]

It's not as hot today as it was yesterday. Fortunately for me, I was inside both days. Now I'm home so it really doesn't much matter.

Perhaps I'll go out tonight and sit somewhere. Although, I fear the results of any solitude spent anywhere peaceful. My mind has far too much on it to find the stillness.

A] I have no idea what's going on with my Dad's estate. Of course, I could call and inquire but I don't want my sister's to think I'm "Looking" for anything. Neither of them talk to me anymore. I feel very chastised at this time. It's a weird feeling to know you have family yet none to sure whether it's really "family" anymore. (Perhaps someone understands this.)

B] I live in the same house as my ex-girlfriend (The Chick). I was hoping to get on my feet again while living here. It hasn't quite happened yet. That's frustrating. Second part of this is The Chick just started dating someone. Why does this bother me so? I can't quite put my finger on it. When she dumped me a couple of years ago she said some pretty hurtful things. I can see traits in her now that I find extremely unattractive. Yet, The fact she met some guy she refered to as a "Freak" about a day before she met him and then was shagging him the next really got under my skin. I have one theroy, you can humour me cause I know you're formulating your own (I know I would if I were in your shoes, dear reader), that what's bothering me is the fact this girl throws herself at guys because of circumstances in her life really reflects on my poor ability to choose mates. I like to think I go for the smart girls, the intellectually strong girls. Looking at The Chick I really have to wonder about myself. Am I that pathetic too? [Don't Answer That, Thanks.]

C] Work. I'm not happy there. I'm coming to work and I just don't have it in me to push. I don't have answers. I've got a really ominous feeling about the future of things there. I think I have about 10 months to make a decision on things. I *HAVE* to get prepared because it may require decision making. Something I really hate to do.

D] Look at the above. It's hard not to see I'm depressed. The helplessness, the bitterness, the loneliness.

The house isn't falling yet but I see the storm clouds on the horizon. It's lookin' really nasty. Have I got it in me?

"Well, Ive got to run to keep from hiding,
And Im bound to keep on riding.
And Ive got one more silver dollar,
But Im not gonna let them catch me, no,
Not gonna let em catch the midnight rider."
- 'Midnight Rider' - ALLMAN BROTHERS

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The Last Five Bingo Games

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